The Pendulum: Feeling Joy, Feeling Grief and Feelings in Between

Writing this blog is really very cathartic. I love being able to journal my feelings online. Hope this doesn't seem too self-indulgent to you.

I'm having a difficult time this week.

On the one hand, I feel like the most blessed individual on earth. Yesterday, it was 75 degrees, spring was in the air, and I was driving down Route 17, windows down, radio blaring and I was singing (and at one point, also driving 72 mph!) I felt the hormones kick in, like they used to in high school, and I felt young again. Spring is here! You can smell it in the air and see it in the light -- it's like someone turned on a spotlight in the sky -- and I feel things stirring in the earth. The birds are singing earlier in the morning, and I hear different songs. The snowbirds must be beginning to return north.

On the other hand, I really, really, really miss New York. And, here's the strange part. I miss it, but don't feel the need to fly up there. I was supposed to fly up to NYC next week, when my husband will be up there, but don't feel compelled to travel as I was just there. How can I really miss New York and yet not feel the desire be there? It doesn't make sense.

I guess I miss my old life. And, Landon, if you are reading this, it doesn't mean that I don't love you or that I want my old life back. I love you and feel happy beyond belief to be with you. But, I do miss my life.

I miss being able to go out to Brighton Beach on the W train if I felt the need to go out of Manhattan. I miss being able to hop a train and go out to Astoria Queens so that I can sit at Lefkos Bakery and eat my favorite baklava. I miss being able to work inside all day and then sit in a Starbucks and watch the world go by. I miss being able to walk down the street to the 92nd Street Y and hear Bill Clinton speak or Paul Krugman or David McCullough or whoever. I miss being able to go out to dance for hours to a swing band. I miss going to Carnegie Hall on a whim. I miss being able to go to a conference, meeting someone and following up and having coffee with them at a later date. I miss not knowing what might be lying right around the corner. I miss all the boroughs I didn't get to explore. I miss the creativity, the energy, the people of New York. I miss my life.

I guess this is the grieving process -- grieving for what was lost and left behind. What is so strange to me is that I willingly left this behind to be with Landon, I am happy in my new life, it has lots of new things to discover, new people to meet, new activities to learn.

At this point, I don't really know what to do. I feel the need to dig in and to nest into my new life. There are still rooms that need painting (more on that saga in another post), pictures that need hanging, boxes that still need to be unpacked. And, my office is a disaster. I really need to create a sense of order there...that's why I'm staying home while Landon will be in New York. I want to invest my energy here. Is all of this activity a diversion? It doesn't feel that way. It just feels like I need to make a commitment to my new life, which is here. I guess I am still in transition -- leaving the old and embracing the new.

I knew when I came down here that it would be different. And, I knew that if I tried to compare my new life with my old, I would be unhappy because they aren't comparative -- they are too different. So, I made the decision that I was going to be happy, and I am. But letting go is hard to do.

Any suggestions? Please comment. I'm listening...Thanks.